Tuesday, January 31, 2006

This is only the beginning...

I got a digital camera for Christmas so the convenience of taking photos and uploading them onto this blog has been increased tenfold. As you would expect, this means this blog will contain more pictures of my cats than anyone cares to see. Such as this shot of my tigris relaxing yesterday evening. I suggested she do a few crunches while in the position, but she opted otherwise.

Friday, January 27, 2006


If you enjoy wearing a cowboy hat and boots and tailgating a monster truck rally with Pabst Blue Ribbon, ya might be a redneck. If you are as pumped as I am for Monster Jam at Angel Stadium tomorrow night, you are most definitely a redneck. Joe is worried about ruining his run for congress so he is out this year, but I will NOT let it be forgotten that he peed on Cruiser's backseat the last time we went. I am not ashamed of this.

Monday, January 23, 2006

You will wait your damn turn and like it

So I'm in the shower at the gym this morning when, from the other side of the curtain, I hear the booming voice of an asshole. Under a thin veil of fake politeness, it commands "Let's go guys. If you're drying off, step out of the shower. We got a line out here, thanks." Fuck you, pal. Sometimes when you find yourself in a line it doesn't mean everyone in front of you needs to hurry up; it means you just have to wait. Is it my fault you didn't leave yourself enough time to deal with a temporary shower backup? I think not. Is the twenty-five seconds it takes me to dry off really gonna make or break your schedule? I think not. And I will tell you this, pal...I am NOT going to be one of these guys that casually walks around the locker room buck naked with my frank and beans bobbin' around for all the world to see. Why is it always the old guys that do this? It's one thing to be comfortable with your body, but seriously, consider if those around you are going to be comfortable with your body. I can't tell you how many times I have come around the corner into the locker room to be greeted by some strange guy's asshole staring me in the face. At 6 a.m., it makes for a very abrupt and unpleasant wake-up call. So no, I am not going to inflict such a trauma on some other poor sap just to save some hasselhoff a couple seconds of waiting. I'm a courteous, considerate person, but there are just some things I will not do. We've all waited in lines and lived to tell about it. So shall you, sir.

Yes, Dear? NO, SIR!

I overheard a guy at the gym this morning say that he couldn't watch the NFL Playoffs and would not be able to watch the SuperBowl either because his wife has him out shopping with her, literally morning 'til night, and also has chores for him to do on Sunday. This was not a non-sports guy, this was a guy who was clearly interested in the outcome of the games and in watching. The worst part? He said it with a smile. He seemed to be proud as he detailed how his wife carries his balls in her purse.

I have a friend who was recently invited along with me to a free Laker game by one of the major vendors we work with and he said he would have to check with his wife before accepting. That seemed fine to me. It's perfectly reasonable to check with the wife first to make sure that the two of you don't have plans that perhaps you've forgotten about. Men forget about things so, of course, he should check to make sure. I was wrong. He wasn't checking with his spouse to see if he was free, he had to literally ask her for permission. And what did she say? NO! They didn't have plans or anything...he didn't forget about dinner with Bob & Martha Anderson from the Rotary Club, she just flat out didn't want him to go. It's just like the Stanford Prison Experiment, I tell ya! If you give a woman that kind of power over you, she is absolutely going to use it and, before long, abuse it!

These two examples are a small sample of the men I have encountered lately who are enslaved by their wives. And they all seem so damn happy about it! They seem proud to have handed over their pride and, dare I say, manhood to their whip-cracking wives. WHY MEN, WHY???!!!! WHYYYYYY???!?! Isn't marriage a partnership? What kind of a partnership has one partner dictating terms to the other? Who would be happy about a deal like that? Is that what marriage really is all about? Is that the key to long-lasting marital harmony? I certainly hope not because if it is, I am in for some tough times should I prove brave enough to tackle the vows of matrimony. Why do pre-nups have to only involve money? Could we add certain stipulations to a pre-nup that are beyond monetary value? I'm not saying that men should be able to watch sports whenever they want. Obviously, if a man and his wife are a team, you have to make certain sacrifices for the well being of the team. If a big game happens to fall on a day where you and the mrs. really need to hit the Home Depot to pick out tiles, then, okay, you might have to miss this one game. If she gets hammered at a bridal shower and needs you to pick her up in the last minute of overtime, sorry man, you just have to suck it up and take one for the team. Those are the compromises a man can be proud to make. But if the conflicting issue in question is that she wants to go shoe shopping(?!), I want it in my contract that I do not have to sacrifice something I am interested in to simply follow her around on her personal errands, holding her purse and practicing my Yes, Dear's.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Are you fucking kidding me?

I haven't had a zit in long time, but I'll be damned if I don't have one today in what I believe has to be, hands down, the most odd place to ever have a zit. Are you ready for this? I have a zit above my eye, below my eyebrow. I think I belong in the circus.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Reading Rainbow

Butterfly in the skyyyyyyyyy.....

I really feel like reading lately, but by the time I get home and get settled, I can't get more than 2 pages in before I fall asleep. Reading...so enrichening and seemingly obtainable yet impossible to reach out and actually touch...much like, say, a rainbow? Levar, you're a genius!

Rambling "Man"

Yesterday, I forgot to pack an undershirt (in my gym bag). Today I forgot to pack underwear. Plus, I wore the wrong jeans. I am a mess. What am I doing? Where am I going? How do I expect to get there? Sigh. I am not feeling the work thing today. Maybe I should be a firefighter. There's a job that actually matters in society. Maybe I should move to a new city. Someplace smaller with realistic property values. If I were a superhero (and who's to say I'm not), my arch-nemesis would be Sallie Mae. I hate that fuckin' bitch. Jimmy, crack your damn corn. See if I give a shit. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Saw "Syriana" last night. I think I could watch most foreign films without subtitles and follow them easier than I did "Syriana."

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I think I just invented a word...

Tored n. (tôrd) The excruciating condition of being both tired and bored simulataneously.

I am so fucking tored right now it's ridiculous.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Hot and Cold

Why does the temperature of my office vary 20 degrees from one day to the next, regardless of the weather outside? It's actually not even that regular. It's completely random and, of course, I always guess wrong. Today I banked on it being a solid 80 in here as it was yesterday and am subsequently freezing my ass off in this longsleeve T. Sometimes it will be 75 outside and they'll fire up the heaters. Other days it will be cold and rainy and the AC will turn this place into a penguin habitat. Ya just never know. At least if I get pneumonia, I've got a case for workers' comp.

There ain't nothin in this world better than:

--A campground shower...outdoor showers as a whole are pretty unbeatable, but a campground shower tops em all.

--A new pair of socks fresh out of the package...If I were ridiculously rich, this is where my requisite frivolous spending might come into play. I think if I had the bankroll, I might have a brand new pair of socks for every day.

--Peanut butter toast.

--A tall glass of milk to follow.

--A scooner of Pabst and a special at Joe Jost's

--On a similar note...Being on vacation and having a pint in the middle of the day.

--Going to Costco with your mom (or grandmother), getting a hot dog on the way out.

--Taking a 2-hour nap. This one sounds especially sweet today.

--Playing football in the rain.

--Unexpectedly finding one of those CDs you just can't take out of the player for a month.

--SkyMall Magazine.

--Drive-in movies.

--Breakfast for dinner.

--"Slip Slidin' Away" by Paul Simon.

--"Carolina in My Mind (live version)" By James Taylor.

--"Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison.

--"Lord, I Hope This Day is Good" by Don Williams.

--"Drift Away" by Dobie Fuckin Gray, not that bullshit hack version by Uncle Cracker.

--"The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers.

--Coming off the jetway to find someone waiting for you...Even though it's pretty much impossible these days given the new rules allowing only ticketed passengers to the gates.


--White cake, white frosting, rainbow sprinkled donuts.

--A big, juicy, extra-large Fuji apple (I have one of these in my lunch today).

--Road Trips!

--Killing time making lists such as this.

(To be continued)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Obligatory Post-Breakup Haircut

Since this SC loss is stinging as badly as a painful breakup, it should come as no surprise that I feel compelled to express this forced fresh start in some sort of new look. I just can't decide which way to go. Should I...

A) shave my beard, doing nothing to my hair

B) buzz my head and keep the beard

C) buzz my head and shave the beard


Anybody that knows me knows that I am in great pain today. USC lost its bid for a third straight national title and they lost it in a game that they absolutely should have won. A part of me died last night. I am a broken man. I feel like I just caught my girlfriend with another man. Not to mention the second worst hangover i've ever had from beer alone. The pain is lingering like a 500-lb sumo wrestler sitting on my chest. It ain't going anywhere. The only thing that brought me a split second of relief was a reference that my friend Conrad made. See below.

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

Tuesday, January 03, 2006