Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Can't Nobody Break My Stride, Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

Ya know, I'm starting to get the feeling that my boss loathes me and, specifically, my Christmas spirit. But ya know what? Christmas Spirit is all I got right now! I'm running on the pine-scented fumes of good tidings for you and your motherfuckin' kin! I am undeterred, steadfast in my holiday resolve.

Monday, November 19, 2007


There she is, folks. Twelve-point-nine pounds of Butterball beauty, baby! This photo represents Step One: Defrost the Son of a Bitch. I will now give this bird three full days to defrost in the jovial company of these fine American craft brews. Then, I aim to roast it.

Thanksgiving is imminent, my friends!

I realize I am a little late to the party on this but still....

--How good is "30 Rock?" It's just a very smart, very funny show and Tina Fey is one of the sexier women on television. Yeah, I said it! What?

--Sweatpants, not fleece, not some hi-tech microfiber, not pajama pants, but just good old-fashioned honest-to-goodness sweatpants, are the most comfortable thing in the universe. I recently got a pair at Target for, I think, six dollars and, friends, let me tell you, I'm gonna need a really compelling reason to ever take them off again. (wow, count the commas!)

--Fog. The obvious appeal is the romantic mystery of it all and why not? Does it ruin a windshield and make for very dangerous driving conditions? Okay, but you know what else fog has brought us? Lighthouses, folks. Who's gonna argue with lighthouses? I am thoroughly enjoying this sort of tidal pattern of fog we've been having the past few days and I can only hope it continues through Turkey Day.

--Mulled wine, man. As if wine weren't good enough on its own. Now you go and spice it up and give it the appeal of a holiday seasonal delight? Well, you sold me, pal.

--Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Now this one is not really my fault seeing as how Dunkin' Donuts does not exist in the greater Los Angeles area. Even in my New York years though, I did not catch on to this wonderful joe. They now sell it at my local Ralph's and, sweet Lord, it is some delectable coffee. It was worth the wait. Despite my following the brewing instructions explicitly, I am sure it still tastes better at a Dunkin' Donuts. However, I am also quite certain that the combo of home-brewed D.D. coffee and a true California mom-and-pop donut would far outweigh D.D.-brewed coffee and those pathetic things they refer to as "donuts." So I win!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Maybe it's just me

Can someone please explain The Trans-Siberian Orchestra to me please? I just don't get it.

The Tools

We're counting down to Turkey Time, folks. In a segment called "Baby's First Turkey," I intend to provide comprehensive coverage of my quest to complete one of the American man's most essential functions, the rite of passage known as Thanksgiving turkey roasting. Our coverage begins eight days from today.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's gone too far...

I realize that the tedium of complaining about media and society's ridiculous obsession with celebrities is almost as agonizing as the obsession itself...BUT(!) I saw a "headline" on the front page of just now that is so laughable, I would have thought it came from The Onion.

"Did Britney run a red light?"

I shit you not. This is our news.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Christmas Lite

Dear Friends,

I regret to inform you that the very tenuous, uncertain nature of my employment this holiday season will not allow me to shower you with the lavish gifts I would like to. Please, read nothing into it. I still love you and will do my best to give you whatever I can, but with unemployment looming, I'm afraid it's going to be a very lean Christmas.



Friday, November 09, 2007


I couldn't get to sleep last night. And I was really tired. I laid there for two hours unable to shut down my brain. What's more, I had just watched an episode of "The Office" before turning in so every single thought I had would be inescapably followed by my own personal episode in my head starring me in the Steve Carrell role. For example...

Thought: I can't sleep, damnit.

Immediately followed by...

INTERVIEW - PAM: You can always tell when John didn't sleep the night before. You don't see or hear from him very much on those days. He gets very very quiet and sort of stays in his office all day...I really like it when John hasn't slept.

INTERVIEW - JOHN: Yes, I did have a little trouble getting to sleep last night. I was up really late working on some things...

CUT TO (FLASHBACK): John, at home, standing outside a closed bathroom door.

JOHN: Jan. Honey. Open the door please....I don't love you for your giants boobs. I mean, of course I do, but I love you for all your parts, the giants ones and the less...massive ones. Come on Jan, you've been in there for five hours, don't you think it might be time to come out?....I'll give you a foot massage if you just open the door...

The door opens slightly and Jan's foot creeps out into the hall. Just her foot. Up to the calf.

INTERVIEW - JOHN: But one of the responsibilities that come with being a good manager is never letting your employees see you sweat. Or sleep. Be...cause if you do then you're opening a whole can of worms...and the next thing you know, those same monkeys are running the insane asylum.

CUT TO: John enters the office for the day and appears to be sleepwalking. His eyes are practically closed, he slowly glides to his office, head down, saying nothing to anyone as he passes by. The room goes silent as everyone stops working, observes this Zombie John. His office door slams behind him and through his glass wall, we can all see him fall flat and hard onto the couch. Inside John's office, Dwight Shrute appears from behind a large plant. He takes off his suit jacket, lays it across John like a blanket. In perfect synch, the rest of the office goes back to work.


Something like that...after every single thought. Maddening.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Viva Segregation!

So you know how much I cherish Target. It's not just a shopping trip; it's an event to put on the calendar and look forward to. It's the place where you find literally everything you need and most of what you didn't know you needed but absolutely must have.

While it is not as widely known, I also care for Starbucks a great deal. Sure, some whackos might bemoan the bastardization of the local coffeehouse and bla bla bla, but I say they've popularized the coffeehouse, bringing good coffee and, yeah I said it, arts to places where it wouldn't otherwise be. But I point was supposed to be that I love Starbucks.

However, just because two things might be wonderful independently, that is NOT license to start combining them. That's right, last night at the Culver City Target I was witness to an abomination, Starbucks inside of Target. You had your sumptuous smell of fresh Target popcorn and juicy hot dogs sweatin' on the roller smashed right up against your triple grande non-fat sugar-free hazelnut latte and pan au chocolat! Inappropriate! It's an outrage I tell you! What's next, Lawry's Prime Rib with a White Castle annex next to the coat room?!

It's just wrong.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

This casino brought to you by Requip

So I'm watching a couple minutes of TV this morning...You know, to find out whether my morning commute will be just average shitty or make-you-want-to-move-to-Montana shitty...Anyway, this ad comes on, one of these commercials for a new prescription medication. "Ask your doctor about," etc. This one in particular was for a new RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) drug called Requip. Of course, with any of these ads, you expect to hear about some horrific side effects that usually sound worse than the affliction the drug is intended to cure, but in the case of Requip one stood out to me as particularly unusual. See if you pick up on it too.

Important Safety Information: Prescription Requip is not for everyone. Requip Tablets may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness.

"New or increased gambling...urges?" What the fuck? Has anyone ever heard of this "symptom" before? How does any substance inspire a person to gamble? Is there any specifics to his chemically induced urge? Does it compel you to just sit down at the first blackjack table you come across or perhaps play the ponies? I'd bet dollars to donuts that casino owners are racing to find a way to produce this Requip in an aerosole form. Once that breakthrough occurs and they start pumping Requip-ed oxygen into their casinos, forget about it. The House wins again.