I Am a Gullible Fool

So I fell for an April Fool's Joke. The Google one. Idiot. In my defense, I had no idea that Google had a reputation for these pranks. I also sniffed it out just before I actually published my ranting, on-a-soapbox, holier-than-thou blog post, but I think Conrad is right, that I owe it to the world to post it and admit I am a dope. Here it is:


Original Blog Post Title: Personal Freedom Technology or The End of Personal Relationships and Possibly Civilization As We Know It?

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/autopilot/index.html



Autopilot e-mail. You send me an email or a chat message. Gmail reads it and replies with its best guess of what I would say and how I would say it. It has sliders to adjust its accuracy in impersonating my capitalization habits, typo frequency, tone, brevity, and emoticon use. They say if you give it enough sample emails, it can actually get quite good at being you. Is that really a good thing? I'm not sure.



The Cons:



Has personal correspondence become such a burden that we need to rely on computers to live our lives for us? This is a seriously scary program. Where do we go from here? The Matrix, that's where. Terminator-land. To a Brave New World. What's worse than not returning some one's phone call or email? How about giving that person the middle finger of asking a computer to reply to them for you? Clearly, you can't be bothered. You're too busy doing...what? What the fuck is everyone in this society so busy doing that they need computers to maintain their friendships? Obviously, there's many answers to that, but how many of them are really valid in the grand scheme? In the end, what is more important than personal relationships? I picture the long line of humanity marching with its heads down, focused on their texting and facebooking as they blindly walk straight for the abattoir of a completely automated life. Google = Cyberdine. Gmail Autopilot = Skynet 1.0.



The Pros:



Unlike Facebook, this program doesn't suck the life out of actual physical human interaction, it frees the individual from the chains of online life. Instead of answering all their emails, citizens of Googledom can frolic in the fields of physical face-to-faced-ness. They can finally take that botany class at city college they have been wanting to take for years. They can go on rollerblading dates and meet for coffee at independently owned coffeehouses. They can form community service groups, painting over graffiti and planting new trees. Just think of all that could be accomplished if only we didn't have to answer all those emails and chats! !Viva La Revolucion de AutoPilot!



My Ruling:



To free oneself from the obligations of online interaction by means of creating a virtual version of yourself to do it in your name is not freedom at all. It is trading one master for another and a more sick and twisted one at that. Just in case you didn't actually follow the link above, I am going to post GMail Autopilot's Frequently Asked Questions because you need to see this.



FAQ


How does Gmail mirror my communication style?



The more Gmail messages Autopilot can sample, the better. With fewer than 100 messages, there may not be enough data to calibrate Autopilot effectively. You can adjust tone, typo propensity, and preferred punctuation from the Autopilot tab under Settings.You may want to log in every week or so to ensure Autopilot is calibrated optimally.


Does Autopilot work for Gmail chat too?


Yes. Chat was actually simpler to build, given the natural language headway made by Joseph Weizenbaum's ELIZA. While many claim ELIZA oft times passed the Turing test, Gmail Autopilot passes with 99.9% accuracy due to the inclusion of human-like qualities such as compassion and wisdom and CADIE's related ability to calibrate to match your chat style.


What happens if a sender and recipient both have Autopilot on?


Two Gmail accounts can happily converse with each other for up to three messages each. Beyond that, our experiments have shown a significant decline in the quality ranking of Autopilot's responses and further messages may commit you to dinner parties or baby namings in which you have no interest.



Do I really need to explain how and why this is wrong? If human cloning scares the shit out of you, then this should too. Besides, are we really to believe that with this new found free time, people are going to actually use it to do something healthy and constructive? I doubt it. Freedom from emails and chatting is just freedom to spend more time on Facebook, Twitter, Second Life or whatever soul-sucking online networking program the kids are using now instead of playing street hockey or cruising the mall.



I can hear their snickering and the pitter patter of footsteps as my Facebook-loving pals run to sign up for Gmail Autopilot. I probably should expect to get emails and chats from only their autopilots for the foreseeable future.



Let this video be a warning to you, gentlemen. Should I discover I have been conversing with an autopilot, I will unleash hell like Chris Farley when told he's drinking Colombian decaffeinated crystals.