Pesky Dilemma

I'm planning on doing a bigger post later today, but I wanted to get your thoughts on this story. Please weigh in, fellas.

Dear Marie Calendar,

I've about had it with you and your frozen dinners. Ya see, I eat lunch in my office. I'm most comfortable there and I save some dough while I'm at it. I go heat my lunch up in the kitchen and then I come back and read a magazine or do some recreational online browsing. Here's where you come in. It seems like these days I waste a quarter of my lunch hour sitting in the kitchen waiting in line for the microwave. Why? Because so many of my coworkers are depending on your product for their lunch and your damn dinners take an average of 6.5 minutes to heat up! I'm sick of it, Marie. I really am. Can you make your frozen food less dense? The portions a little smaller maybe? I'll be the first to admit, I don't know what the answer is. I do know that something needs to be done. All I am asking from you is an acknowledgement of responsibility and a good faith pledge to make an effort for change.

Sincerely Tired of Small Talk While Waiting Pathetically In A Microwave Line,

John

Thoughts for Thursday

--They just don't make days any finer than this one. Really, anything that's going to be done outside could be done perfectly on a day such as this one. To have to retreat back into an office building is truly a tragedy...or a travesty....or both.

--A free lunch isn't worth much if you die of starvation waiting for it to be served at 2 p.m.

--There's a reason Payless shoes are so cheap; they hurt your damn feet with every step you walk in them! This has not always been true. My previous Payless pair were the franchise pair of my shoe collection. These new versions, however, are worse than wearing nothing at all. Consideration for the high arch Payless has not.

--I have spilled in the exact same spot on my shirt not once, not twice, but three(!) times today. And it's not even two o'clock.

--Four movies I would like to see this weekend: The Lives of Others, Reign Over Me, Avenue Montaigne, and First Snow. I can all but guarantee "Reign Over Me," and list the other three as "hopefuls." If this weather continues, I'm not sure I'll be able to go into a theater during daylight hours.

--Joe, can I come over and go kayaking whilst you are at work on Saturday?

--Feels like a farmer's market, unfiltered apple juice, singalong, grass-in-the-toes kind of weekend approaching. I hope I am right.

--Speaking of that, why don't more people picnic? Is it a fear of park safety? Conrad, do you know if it's legal to picnic on the big lawn at Peperdine?

--I finally finished my book last night, "The Sportswriter" by Richard Ford. Wow. What a book. I've gotta put it in my top 5. It's kind of difficult to describe because so little actually happens in the book. A middle-aged divorcee ambles around for a week and thinks about his ex-wife, dead son, and other big life issues. I think the main reason I am drawn to it is that I feel I can really relate not to the main character per say, but to the voice of the main character, Frank Bascombe. I really love the way books end. Even if the book is just okay, the final page, for me, is always really satisfying. How many movies can you say that about these days? I would argue way too few. I am pleased to learn that "The Sportswriter" is but the first of three Bascombe novels, the second of which, "Independence Day," won a Pulitzer. I think I will get to that someday, but first I've got "A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby and then "The History of Love," as recommended indirectly by Becky and Brian. That new book about Buck O'Neil looks really good too. Not that you care.

Tom Hanks & Co.

I am currently watching "You've Got Mail" which I purchased yesterday for a whopping $3.60 and it occurs to me that I should not like this movie. The little girl is annoying, the music mostly sucks, and some parts are just plain cheesy. But I like this movie...a lot. There are two reasons I still like the movie despite evidence that I normally would not: 1) it reminds me of New York and my time there and 2) Tom Hanks. The endearing charm of Tom Hanks carries this movie for me. Which leads me to thinking...there are certain men that I obviously do not know personally, but still...like. Not in a sexual way, of course...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Men I Don't Know But Really Like (in no particular order)

1) Tom Hanks
2) Matt Lauer
3) George Clooney (maybe in a sexual way?)
4) Jeff Bridges
5) Michael J. Fox
6) Barack Obama (this is not a political endorsement...not that anyone would care anyway)
7) Don Cheadle
8) Will Ferrell
9) James Taylor
10) Glen Phillips
11) Pete Carroll
12) Vin Scully
13) John Ritter (raise your hand if you remember the earthquake preparedness PSA he did that they showed us every year of elementary school)
14) Morgan Freeman
15) Ted Allen (Queer Eye For the Straight Guy)

I will probably need to add to this list as I think of more.

UPDATE:

16) Gene Hackman
17) Adam Sandler

"I Friggin' Love You!"

I friggin' love rain. As much as I love driving home with the sunroof open under clear, sunny skies, I also relish a day like today, slightly chilly, gray, and wet. Granted, it's not really raining today (more of a torrential mist), but for Southern California, I'll take it. Cue the Rainy Day Playlist....aaaaaaand.......We're underway! I look forward to an afternoon of gazing out the window and brooding. I might even go for the rare afternoon coffee as I have to go over to the store to get my pops his "Blood Diamond" dvd. It is the perfect day for such a stroll. There's a screening of "Casablanca" here tonight and if this weather persists, me thinks it will set a nice mood for a lovahs' movie such as this classic. I only wish mine own lovah were attending. Lovah, lovah, lovah.

Alright, that's enough of that. Some thoughts on "24":

--Would they give Jack Bauer his balls back already? It seems like they are fazing him out in favor of Ricky (he's back to Ricky now) Schroeder and I'm not happy about it

--I want the traitor to be Milo so I can enjoy watching him get tortured because he's so damn annoying. Is that wrong?

--I love a horrible Russian accent and this show is becoming a goldmine for them

--The Vice-Prez is a complete lunatic. He's so totally over the top that I think I shall call him Dr. Strangelove from now on. However, watching Powers Boothe play this ridiculous character is a real joy.


Can we start baseball season already? Spring training has gone on long enough. My fantasy team was assembled something like 4 weeks ago. My boys are bored...much like myself.

Chocolat

I'd like to take a moment to tell you about an exciting new product...

In times like these where every conceivable space of our world is sold to the highest advertising bidder, I think it's refreshing to see that one company is making creative use of blank space to actually contribute something positive to the public. The Belgian chocolate company Chocolove puts poems (okay, "love poems") inside their chocolate bar wrappers. Here is what I found inside my "Toffee & Almonds in Milk Chocolate" bar:

Oh, No--Not Ev'n When First We Loved


Oh, no--not ev'n when first we loved,
Wert thou as dear as now thou art;
Thy beauty then my senses moved,
But now thy virtues bind my heart.
What was Passion's sigh before,
Has since been turn'd to Reason's vow;
And, though I then might love thee more,
Trust me, I love thee better now.

Although my heart in earlier youth,
Might kindle with more wild desire,
Believe me, it has gain'd in truth
Much more than it has lost in fire.
The flame now warms my inmost core,
That then but sparkled o'er my brow,
And, though I seem'd to love thee more,
Yet, oh, I love thee better now

--Thomas Moore

Isn't that nice? The chocolate was okay, nothing spectacular. I don't remember the last time I bought a chocolate bar, but the next time I do, I will probably buy a Chocolove one.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHUCK!

My old chum turns 66 today!

DING DONG THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TWITCH IS DEAD!

It occurs to me now that my eye did not twitch yesterday!! Not once!! Ha HAAAAAAAA!! I am liberated from the twitch! I feel like dancing in the streets (or with the Stars)!!!!!

As if that weren't good enough, yesterday was a grrrreat Hair Day. Really, just a banner day for hair.

I needed these daytime blessings given that my evening was lost doing my taxes. Uncle Sam is gonna pay me what he owes me today. Papa needs a new pair of jeans!

Mark it, Dude!

At 5:30 p.m. my left eye has begun to twitch for the eighth(!) consecutive day.

Spring Training '07!

The view from the party porch in left field at our last game of the weekend. Good times, gentlemen. Good damn times. These photos and captions will make a lot more sense if you actually start at the bottom and work your way back up.

And the intensity!

Note the excitement.

At our favorite watering hole, Rula Bula.

Dining at the Claim Jumper. Steaks all around. I'd like it on record that Conrad polished off his usual bowl (not cup) of clam chowder, 16 oz. filet, mashed potatoes, AND an entire blueberry muffin.

That's right, Conrad actually fell asleep on the way to dinner...with is arms in that position. We are waiting in the K-Mart parking lot while Cruiser runs in to get himself a Saturday Night polo shirt. Look out, ladies!

I somehow played the best pool game of my life on this trip. As you can see, I have just sealed the deal.

The only photo of all us together as seen from the Miller Lite Party Porch.

You can't beat a Waffle House for breakfast.

The Annual Caught-You-Sleeping Photo.

Our room was designated as a Non-Smoking room, but just in case, they went ahead and posted a sign in the room itself...on the bottom of an ashtray. Is it just me, or are they sending mixed signals here?

There's Conradical.

I didn't spill beer on myself until the 7th inning thank you very much.

There he is, The Dominican Minotaur, Vladimir Guerrero himself!!

Here we are outside of Tempe Diablo Stadium on Day One. Conrad is taking the photo.

This is Kory's handheld GPS device that also acts as a translator. Here, The Cruiser demonstrates how to say "Two draft beers, please" en espanol.

This was our rental car, a Pontiac Vibe. Not much for horsepower, but she cornered like she was on rails!

I Think I'm Love With Another Man's Woman: A Semi-True Story of Love, Betrayal, and BabyBel Cheese

I thought I was just being a good friend. I thought I was being nice. That was how it started anyway. I don’t know how it will end; we haven’t glimpsed that just yet. All I can say at this point, which is perhaps all I can handle, is that I am a scoundrel, a back-stabber, a genuine son of a bitch (no offense, Mom). My heart hath abandoned mine own cherished principles. But that’s the thing about love…once you have it and you know it, you don’t give a shit about anything else.

My intentions were innocent enough. It was Joe’s birfday so I tried to think about what in my power could make him happiest. Since I’m not currently gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I had to think of something else. The answer, I thought, was to take him to see his girlfriend perform. As it turned out, she was going to be at Largo, which is my favorite place on earth (tied with Disneyland) so I also had that going for me…which was nice. Little did I know that it was indeed the answer, but it was the answer to an entirely different question, one that I had been unconsciously asking myself for, I would imagine, quite a long time. This answer has a name…and it’s Sarah Silverman.

I’m sorry, Joe. I truly am. I can only pray that someday you will understand. I’d never be so bold as to hope for forgiveness. You see, old friend, Sarah and I shared a moment of private endearment while I was waiting to use the men’s room. There I was, alone in the long, dark back hall of the club, minding my own urinary pressure when the door to the women’s room opened. A girl (that’s all I knew her to be at the moment) began to come through the doorframe when she caught her green cargo pants on the handle of the door. I watched curiously as she stopped there in the doorframe to check her back pocket. Talking to herself, she was mumbling something like “What did I do?” She took another step out into the hall while still looking back and clumsily stumbled, almost falling to the floor. I hadn’t realized who she was or that she even knew I was there until she then looked up at me and embarrassingly smiled with the cute innocence of a child. It was Sarah. I replied with a smile and she scattered down the hall and back out into the chorus of chuckles in the restaurant. I would get my chance to pee shortly thereafter.

My reasons for loving Sarah can be best represented by a part of her show tonight. With the utmost sincerity, she professed her love for BabyBel Cheese. And then she spent the next three minutes expressing that love with a slow, grinding pelvic thrust as she pretended to fuck the delicious individually packaged cheese. As if I ever had a chance of not loving her.

I know how this makes me look. Fuck it, I know how this makes me, period…but, like I began to say at the start, if lovin’ this woman is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

--Okay, I don’t really love her, but I had a great time and I do think she’s adorable. The bathroom thing really happened too. Happy Birfday, Buddy! (He got his picture taken with her, which I am sure he is posting at this very moment)

--How great is it to have Daylight Savings time back? Man, I walked out of work today, opened the sunroof and was just lovin’ life. There is something about the first few nights of Daylight Savings that make anything seem possible.

--You know what else is great? (Sorry if I am being too cheery) Finding a great fuckin’ song on an album you’ve had sitting around forever, but never fully explored. That happened to me tonight with Guster’s “Hang On” off of their “Ganging Up On The Sun” album. I think I’ve listened to it 9 times since then, including 3 straight on the way home. Also loving Ben Kweller’s “I Gotta Move,” but that was the song that compelled me to buy the album so that’s different. And The Shins’ “Australia.”

MY EYYYYYYE!

My left eye has been twitching pretty much nonstop for seven consecutive days. I am, thus, on the verge of a psychotic breakdown. I can't take much more! Argh!

Pics from the Spring Training trip manana if I remember to bring my camera in.

Actually, A Nice Little Thursday...

7:00 a.m. -- Gym, sucka.

9:00 a.m.-6 p.m. -- "Work"

6:45 p.m. -- Employee Screening of "300!!!!!" THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!!! I am pumped just thinking about this movie. Intensity.

9:30 p.m.-??? -- Karaoke!

6:15 a.m. -- Flight to Tempe, AZ for Spring Training with the fellas! It's FINALLY here! Woo hoo! Pics upon our return...

It's not the perfect day, but it has all the makings of a damn good one. Cheers!

"Heroes" or Hacks?

My love/hate relationship with "Heroes" continues. Just when it was starting to get consistently good, they are going on one of their trademark mid-season 2-month hiatuses. Ridiculous. Really pissing me off. I'm pretty sure the original Star Wars Trilogy was wrapped up in less time than this first (and only?) season of "Heroes" is taking. Why? As it turns out, the reason for this second momentum-killing lapse would be revealed just before the end credits...

"We know you have your theories...(insert clip of various fans explaining their theories of how the show will tie up)....Now tell them to us at NBC.com!"

...Because we have no fucking clue where we are going with this show anymore! We already pulled off the implausible Claire-is-Petrelli's-daughter plot and, frankly, we're burnt out! We haven't the first damn clue how we are going to wrap this fucker up anymore! Help! Please! Chances are if you really like this show, you have some idea of how this thing is going to end...which is perfect because we don't! If you will simply write in and give us your idea, we can promptly steal it and pass it off as our own and get the damn network off our backs! Will you receive any credit or compensation? Of course not! But think of the satisfaction you will receive from knowing you "guessed" the outcome of TV's hottest series! Log on today! We're dying here!

I mean, come on. I am not a cynical person by nature, but this reeks of pathetic desperation. I have a ballpark idea of what the writers of this show must make and they are not earning it, folks. Oy. "They've saved the cheerleader. How will they save the world?" I guess we'll find out in two months!

Meanwhile, "24" is really cookin' now! Woooooo!

Lunch

So I got one of these Trader Joe's fully cooked Herb Roasted Chickens, figured it would make a nice lunch today. Then I sat it down in front of me and realized I am just not 100% comfortable eating a whole chicken. It wasn't quite as bad as the picture above, but look at that damn thing! It looks like a baby! Mine had it's little legs tied together for crying out loud! It just feels wrong, man. I still ate it, of course. I was starving to death. And I can't live without chicken. From now on though, I vow to only eat pre-dismembered chickens. I'm taking a stand.

Friday

With Obama, Clinton, McCain, and Guliani all loading their guns for a run at the Presidency, I think there's one candidate we can all get behind...


(this is a t-shirt available at snorgtees)



--I saw "Zodiac" last night and I really enjoyed it. It's definitely the most un-Fincher-like of David Fincher's movies. It felt more like "All The President's Men" to me. A complex, well-crafted, whodunnit with great acting all around.

--24 hours until the 2007 Fantasy Baseball Draft. The tension is palpable. I'll be lucky if I get 5 hours of R.E.M. tonight.

--St. Patty's Day is 2 short weeks away and seeing as how it's on a Saturday this year (!!!), I feel like the buildup for this thing is akin to a New Year's Eve. Friends, Romans, countrymen....lend me your suggestions.

--I am currently reading "The Sportswriter" by Richard Ford and while I still have about a third of it still to finish, I can already tell it's one of my favorite books. I might explain when I do finish...sometime this year.

--I feel like going shopping today. Good thing I have to work or I actually might do it.

--I don't want to sound all artsy-fartsy here, but what would life be like without television? Okay, let's say there is television, but it only shows the news. Is there any way this does not make everyone's lives better? Sometimes I think The Riddler's plot from "Batman Forever" might be based on actual events.