Dog Days

I've been feeling a mental malaise these last couple of days.  Pardon me if I whine for a bit, I just find it easier to type than to listen to myself on matters such as this.  Plus, Conrad* is still in Atlanta so it's not like I have my buddy here to gripe to anyway.

There's a litany of contributing factors and I can't really put my finger on any single one of them being the main reason for being in this funk of aimlessness, if not sadness.  Let's face it, my fall playlist, which I cherish, is comprised largely of sad music and it's all I've been listening to for over a month.  I'm sure that seeps in.  There's the natural drag of fall itself in that as much as I love this time of year, it's things like staying home in sweatpants and reading, driving through the country, or sitting by a fireplace anywhere that I am compelled to do, but so rarely able to actually do.  It wears on me, I think, to always have my heart and mind someplace else.  In that same vein, when my mindset is rainy days and nippy nights and my actual environment is relentlessly sunny and warm, it gets aggravating.  It can provoke a feeling of being trapped, a la "The Truman Show."  Then I start thinking about moving to a climate with a little more ebb and flow.  But what would I do there?  Well, what are you doing here that's so great?  What about your family and friends?  You're already far from one side, are you going to move away from both sides now?  What about my acting?  What about it?  Are you doing anything to make that anything more than a hobby and, if not, is there not theater in any town in America?  Are you going to have kids?  How the hell are you going to have kids with the job you have now and its limited time flexibility and zero vacation days?  If you know this job will prevent you from living the life you want to live, how much longer are you going to do it?  Well, what the hell else am I supposed to do then?  It doesn't help that I've just read "Death of a Salesman" for class.  That alone could inspire a person to take another long look at their work, their family, and their life, but when you're already tossing it all up into the air, it only scatters all the more wildly.  The good news is I should have no trouble connecting to this Biff character, but God help me if I someday find myself talking to the ghosts of hopes and memories like Willy Loman.  That's a legitimate fear.  I look at the calendar, both the literal calendar of the next few months and the big metaphorical calendar of life, and it's depressing in a way to see it almost completely filled, with maybe a couple of hours free here and there, weekend to weekend.  It doesn't really matter what occupies the time, whether it's joyous or mundane; it's the realization of "this is what's going to happen and you have limited opportunities with which to do anything else."  Of course, that's massively naive as life can shatter your calendar at any moment.  The angst I'm describing just breaks down to mortality, I think.

If only I could hit the pause button on life, stemming the constant flow of obligations, responsibilities, and time itself, long enough to truly sit and think, maybe I could figure some of this out.  Not only that, if I could freeze time (but not people), I would have time to do all the things I want to do and, most importantly, to be the person I wish I could be to everyone I want to be it for.  I wouldn't lose touch with people.  I wouldn't have the ping of guilt when I realize how long it's been or how I've forgotten important details of someone's life. Doesn't everybody feel that way?  Life in this way is kind of like juggling knives while yodeling on roller skates, isn't it?  I know this is something you adults fully get already, it still baffles me sometimes.

What to do about it.  This verbal purge helps a little, luckily.  Looking back and seeing how far I've come and how all the questions of earlier days got worked out one way or another gives hope and comfort.  There are no easy answers or solutions, obviously, but I think the one thing that ends up working best is to take my eyes off the damn horizon.  There are immediate joys and trials to be met, like coming home late to find my lovely wife has made me my favorite meatloaf, seeing old friends this Saturday, celebrating my grandpa's birthday the after that, and finally getting rid of the damn moths in the spare bedroom.  I do think it's ultimately a good thing to unplug yourself from The Matrix every once and a while, perturbing as it may be.  I just hope that these small steps that bring solace are not leading in a circle**.


*That's a shout out!  I know you're reading!
**Although I realize it mostly is.  If I weren't too afraid, I am sure I could go back through this blog and find entry after pathetic entry over the years that are bemoaning the same things this one is.  Oh God, I need to go outside and take a walk.  Sorry, folks.