Paul Simon is Trying to Get Me Fired

--Got my first improv class tonight. I'm currently running on a fantastic blend of nervousness, excitement, and Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Stay tuned...

--Speaking of Dunkin' Donuts coffee....Today marks Day One of the Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Challenge here at the office. Ya see, two of my coworkers are Dunkin' Donuts coffee snobs, always perpetuating that tired old bit about Dunkin' Donuts being the best and why don't they have them out here when they have the commercials and, God, I love the east coast, bla bla bla....(I'm not bitter about this or anything) So I have challenged them to a bet. Every day, we will make D.D. coffee here in our little bullpen....until the day I slip in a ringer. If, on that fateful day, they do not discern the difference, I win the challenge. If they get an itchy taste trigger and accuse me of making a switch on which I have not made one, I also win. Twenty dollar buy in. I can't lose.

--So I'm listening to my ipod on my little ipod speakers and just cruisin' along here at work when all of a sudden there's a loud record scratch in my head. Was that the N-word that just came flowing out of my speakers? Yes, it was. From Paul Simon. "Adios Hermanos" was the song. I'm sure there's an argument to be made for the context of the song, but that's beside the point when you're listening at work. I can't have racial epithets popping out randomly. What the fuck, Paul? Same thing goes for you, Randy Newman, when your song "Rednecks" came on later in the same damn day, using the same fuckin' word. You rock and roll legends trying to get me fired or what?

--Ever since I was thinking about biking to work, I have been more aware of the cyclists I come across on the streets and it really bothers me...Why are only 10% of them wearing helmets? Not only is it The Law, but isn't that common sense for personal safety? Would you go on a roller coaster and elect to not put the lap bar down? Would you dive head first into murky water of undetermined depth? Would you chow down on a yogurt with a compromised seal? It's just basic self-protection, isn't it? I almost want to give them a little car-to-bicycle love tap just to teach them a lesson.

Separated at Birth Pt. Deux

U.S. Beach Volleyball Superstar and Olympic Gold Medal Winner Misty May-Treanor

Jeff Tweedy, Lead singer of Wilco

Here ya go, Conrad.

This commercial cracks me up

Brilliant!

I'm watching "The Office" at the office! Thank you, Netflix Instant Play!

Separated at Birth?

Political pundit Rachel Maddow

Angels first baseman Mark Teixeira

I love them both, by the way.

Tag, unfortunately not Laser-

Tagged by Valerie.

My mission as I've chosen to accept it: list 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 surprising facts and then tag 5 other people. Leave a comment for the people you tag so they know they have been tagged.

joys

1. Travel. A joy often stifled by the rarity of opportunities to do it or the limitation of having to choose only one trip. Still, there's nothing like getting away, touching down in a new city. Also, I love airports and everything about air travel. To me, it's the best time to finally sit and think.

2. Lazy Sunday mornings with the local paper.

3. Singing loud in the car with the sunroof open, windows down, driving along the beach.

fears

1. Never escaping from my current field of work.

2. Alzeimer's Disease. Ever since I saw "Away From Her." Other diseases are surely more painful (though not to the loved ones of the afflicted, I imagine), but I can't think of another that is more cruel.

3. Sharks.

obsessions

1. Music. I've been doing a lot of exchanging with friends which has no doubt saved me hundreds. Bitch of it is, I've got too much! I was just telling someone what I really need is a 5-day road trip to soak in all the new music I've brought in in the last couple months.

2. Online window shopping. Camera, clothes, ties, books, TVs, home theater systens, airline tickets, Christmas gifts, upcoming concerts.

3. Wedding planning. Seven months and nary a date nor venue! You'd think it was a government project.

facts

1. I sometimes wish I wore glasses (not just reading ones). I know it's vain, but I like the way they look.

2. I will learn how to play guitar. Someday.

3. Eating apples makes my face sweat.

Bonus fact: The movie "Once" is NOT a love story. I am prepared to argue this to the death.

Tag Five People:

1. Cruiser
2. Cruiser
3. Cruiser
4. Cruiser
5. Cruiser

19 Days and Counting...

I am so friggin' fired up for college football season, I could wet myself.

I haven't been this excited since the day I earned the name "Kettle-part." I intend to ration my enthusiasm a bit better this time around.

Uncle Pete. God bless him. I love this man. This picture is getting framed and put on my desk.

Dear IPhone Owning Friends (a.k.a. ICult),

You guys are insane. For the last time, I don't want an IPhone. I'm not going to get an IPhone. No, I do not feel left out because you psychos are surrounding me and trying to make me envious of an electronic device. It's just a fucking phone, folks!! The fact that you "love" your cell phone scares me. I imagine you petting it and cuddling it as you sleep at night. The idea that you will gain some level of satisfaction or pleasure by my personal cell phone choice is rather disturbing. Please, and I really mean this, my answer is No. NOW BACK OFF!!

4 Reasons Why It's Fun To Work In This Office Today

1. Tie Day Friday participation is catching on. We are three strong now thanks to new guy Brandon.

2. Block Party Friday! On Fridays, T-Bone and I go tit-for-tat with the upbeat, carry-you-into-weekend type music. It started way back when when I would play "Your Love" by The Outfield at 5:55 on Fridays and grew into an all-day 80s/90s/old school hip-hop/rock & roll extravaganza. As of today, we are upping the ante once a month with Block Party Fridays. On days such as this, I will play a song by Toto, for example. T-Bone will then have to answer by playing another song by Toto and then a song by an artist of his choosing. It goes back and forth. So far, so awesome.

3. The Office Wager White Board has arrived!! Now we have a central source on which to keep track of all our off-track betting. The only current bet on the board is on how soon our boss will get a ticket for non-hands-free cell phone use, but it's still new. I'm sure we'll have more action going very soon.

4. The bells!! Thanks to Office Depot, T-Bone and I finally have our bells. We're talking your hotel reception desk bell, as used by Bean from Kevin and Bean. This has been the best part of the day. Melissa bashes LA or waxes on about Boston or New York? DING! Someone mentions an attractive woman? DING! J.C. comes looking for his check at 9:01 Tuesday morning like he does every week? DING DING DING! Man, I wish I could carry this thing with me everywhere.

You Make The Fall

Would it be alright with everyone if we just skipped August and went right into September? I've got some chai tea here and I am reeeeeeally feeling like I'm ready for Fall. August is kind of a 'tweener of a month anyway, isn't it? July is the peak of the American summer with 4th of July and vacations and what not. September is school back in session, college football in full swing, the weather dropping a few degrees (except in Southern California). Let's just get straight to it, shall we?

In My Mind I'm Gone...

Saw James Taylor Wednesday night. If you know me at all, I know I really don't need to say much else to convey what that means to me. I was thinking though as I watched him for never-enough-teenth time how his songs to me are a lot like old friends in that we've been through a lot together. Obviously, it's a little different in that I am a human being and while you could argue that a song is a living thing, it's not like you can buy it a beer. Anywho! My point is just that I was thinking about how I have been listening to JT's music throughout so many different stages of my life, how throughout all the ups and downs and changes, I have always gone to his music for peace and perspective.

My favorite JT song is probably "Carolina in My Mind." A lot of times when I hear it, I remember listening to it one particular day when I was back in New York. I hadn't been living there for very long so I didn't have any real friends yet and I was having kind of a tough time regardless. I remember going to Central Park one day by myself and sitting up on a hill, against a tree overlooking the Bethesda Fountain. I sat there with an apple, a pad and pen, and "James Taylor Live" on my Discman. I remember feeling like I was taking my first deep breath since I had been there. I started to feel a little more at home. Here's looking at you, JT.

There was one little nugget of information I can relay that sets this particular concert apart from all his other shows...I saw Helen Hunt. I. Saw. Helen. Hunt. I shit you not. Can you imagine? I am lucky I didn't faint on the spot given the perfect storm that JT and HH are to me. There she was, talking to some assumed friends during the intermission, a mere six rows in front of me (cue "Dream Weaver"). Luckily when we all took our seats again, she was not visible as that would have been a tremendous distraction.

James and Helen at once. To paraphrase Clark W. Griswold, Jr., I would have needed plastic surgery to remove my smile.