Paul Simon is Trying to Get Me Fired

--Got my first improv class tonight. I'm currently running on a fantastic blend of nervousness, excitement, and Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Stay tuned...

--Speaking of Dunkin' Donuts coffee....Today marks Day One of the Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Challenge here at the office. Ya see, two of my coworkers are Dunkin' Donuts coffee snobs, always perpetuating that tired old bit about Dunkin' Donuts being the best and why don't they have them out here when they have the commercials and, God, I love the east coast, bla bla bla....(I'm not bitter about this or anything) So I have challenged them to a bet. Every day, we will make D.D. coffee here in our little bullpen....until the day I slip in a ringer. If, on that fateful day, they do not discern the difference, I win the challenge. If they get an itchy taste trigger and accuse me of making a switch on which I have not made one, I also win. Twenty dollar buy in. I can't lose.

--So I'm listening to my ipod on my little ipod speakers and just cruisin' along here at work when all of a sudden there's a loud record scratch in my head. Was that the N-word that just came flowing out of my speakers? Yes, it was. From Paul Simon. "Adios Hermanos" was the song. I'm sure there's an argument to be made for the context of the song, but that's beside the point when you're listening at work. I can't have racial epithets popping out randomly. What the fuck, Paul? Same thing goes for you, Randy Newman, when your song "Rednecks" came on later in the same damn day, using the same fuckin' word. You rock and roll legends trying to get me fired or what?

--Ever since I was thinking about biking to work, I have been more aware of the cyclists I come across on the streets and it really bothers me...Why are only 10% of them wearing helmets? Not only is it The Law, but isn't that common sense for personal safety? Would you go on a roller coaster and elect to not put the lap bar down? Would you dive head first into murky water of undetermined depth? Would you chow down on a yogurt with a compromised seal? It's just basic self-protection, isn't it? I almost want to give them a little car-to-bicycle love tap just to teach them a lesson.

Separated at Birth Pt. Deux

U.S. Beach Volleyball Superstar and Olympic Gold Medal Winner Misty May-Treanor

Jeff Tweedy, Lead singer of Wilco

Here ya go, Conrad.

This commercial cracks me up

Brilliant!

I'm watching "The Office" at the office! Thank you, Netflix Instant Play!

Separated at Birth?

Political pundit Rachel Maddow

Angels first baseman Mark Teixeira

I love them both, by the way.

Tag, unfortunately not Laser-

Tagged by Valerie.

My mission as I've chosen to accept it: list 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 surprising facts and then tag 5 other people. Leave a comment for the people you tag so they know they have been tagged.

joys

1. Travel. A joy often stifled by the rarity of opportunities to do it or the limitation of having to choose only one trip. Still, there's nothing like getting away, touching down in a new city. Also, I love airports and everything about air travel. To me, it's the best time to finally sit and think.

2. Lazy Sunday mornings with the local paper.

3. Singing loud in the car with the sunroof open, windows down, driving along the beach.

fears

1. Never escaping from my current field of work.

2. Alzeimer's Disease. Ever since I saw "Away From Her." Other diseases are surely more painful (though not to the loved ones of the afflicted, I imagine), but I can't think of another that is more cruel.

3. Sharks.

obsessions

1. Music. I've been doing a lot of exchanging with friends which has no doubt saved me hundreds. Bitch of it is, I've got too much! I was just telling someone what I really need is a 5-day road trip to soak in all the new music I've brought in in the last couple months.

2. Online window shopping. Camera, clothes, ties, books, TVs, home theater systens, airline tickets, Christmas gifts, upcoming concerts.

3. Wedding planning. Seven months and nary a date nor venue! You'd think it was a government project.

facts

1. I sometimes wish I wore glasses (not just reading ones). I know it's vain, but I like the way they look.

2. I will learn how to play guitar. Someday.

3. Eating apples makes my face sweat.

Bonus fact: The movie "Once" is NOT a love story. I am prepared to argue this to the death.

Tag Five People:

1. Cruiser
2. Cruiser
3. Cruiser
4. Cruiser
5. Cruiser

19 Days and Counting...

I am so friggin' fired up for college football season, I could wet myself.

I haven't been this excited since the day I earned the name "Kettle-part." I intend to ration my enthusiasm a bit better this time around.

Uncle Pete. God bless him. I love this man. This picture is getting framed and put on my desk.

Dear IPhone Owning Friends (a.k.a. ICult),

You guys are insane. For the last time, I don't want an IPhone. I'm not going to get an IPhone. No, I do not feel left out because you psychos are surrounding me and trying to make me envious of an electronic device. It's just a fucking phone, folks!! The fact that you "love" your cell phone scares me. I imagine you petting it and cuddling it as you sleep at night. The idea that you will gain some level of satisfaction or pleasure by my personal cell phone choice is rather disturbing. Please, and I really mean this, my answer is No. NOW BACK OFF!!

4 Reasons Why It's Fun To Work In This Office Today

1. Tie Day Friday participation is catching on. We are three strong now thanks to new guy Brandon.

2. Block Party Friday! On Fridays, T-Bone and I go tit-for-tat with the upbeat, carry-you-into-weekend type music. It started way back when when I would play "Your Love" by The Outfield at 5:55 on Fridays and grew into an all-day 80s/90s/old school hip-hop/rock & roll extravaganza. As of today, we are upping the ante once a month with Block Party Fridays. On days such as this, I will play a song by Toto, for example. T-Bone will then have to answer by playing another song by Toto and then a song by an artist of his choosing. It goes back and forth. So far, so awesome.

3. The Office Wager White Board has arrived!! Now we have a central source on which to keep track of all our off-track betting. The only current bet on the board is on how soon our boss will get a ticket for non-hands-free cell phone use, but it's still new. I'm sure we'll have more action going very soon.

4. The bells!! Thanks to Office Depot, T-Bone and I finally have our bells. We're talking your hotel reception desk bell, as used by Bean from Kevin and Bean. This has been the best part of the day. Melissa bashes LA or waxes on about Boston or New York? DING! Someone mentions an attractive woman? DING! J.C. comes looking for his check at 9:01 Tuesday morning like he does every week? DING DING DING! Man, I wish I could carry this thing with me everywhere.

You Make The Fall

Would it be alright with everyone if we just skipped August and went right into September? I've got some chai tea here and I am reeeeeeally feeling like I'm ready for Fall. August is kind of a 'tweener of a month anyway, isn't it? July is the peak of the American summer with 4th of July and vacations and what not. September is school back in session, college football in full swing, the weather dropping a few degrees (except in Southern California). Let's just get straight to it, shall we?

In My Mind I'm Gone...

Saw James Taylor Wednesday night. If you know me at all, I know I really don't need to say much else to convey what that means to me. I was thinking though as I watched him for never-enough-teenth time how his songs to me are a lot like old friends in that we've been through a lot together. Obviously, it's a little different in that I am a human being and while you could argue that a song is a living thing, it's not like you can buy it a beer. Anywho! My point is just that I was thinking about how I have been listening to JT's music throughout so many different stages of my life, how throughout all the ups and downs and changes, I have always gone to his music for peace and perspective.

My favorite JT song is probably "Carolina in My Mind." A lot of times when I hear it, I remember listening to it one particular day when I was back in New York. I hadn't been living there for very long so I didn't have any real friends yet and I was having kind of a tough time regardless. I remember going to Central Park one day by myself and sitting up on a hill, against a tree overlooking the Bethesda Fountain. I sat there with an apple, a pad and pen, and "James Taylor Live" on my Discman. I remember feeling like I was taking my first deep breath since I had been there. I started to feel a little more at home. Here's looking at you, JT.

There was one little nugget of information I can relay that sets this particular concert apart from all his other shows...I saw Helen Hunt. I. Saw. Helen. Hunt. I shit you not. Can you imagine? I am lucky I didn't faint on the spot given the perfect storm that JT and HH are to me. There she was, talking to some assumed friends during the intermission, a mere six rows in front of me (cue "Dream Weaver"). Luckily when we all took our seats again, she was not visible as that would have been a tremendous distraction.

James and Helen at once. To paraphrase Clark W. Griswold, Jr., I would have needed plastic surgery to remove my smile.

Portland, Sweet Portland

This is how every day began and ended. Bill and Bubbles peeing outside.

We touched down on Day One in the area I believe is called the Park Blocks. This is the Portland Art Museum. We would later return to this area for BrewFest

This is the park directly across from the museum. Trees everywhere in this city! It was like one big outdoor oxygen bar!

It's a fact, Honest Abe loves Portland.

The MAX Light Rail! Public fucking transportation that works! A clean, inexpensive alternative to driving in that horrible Portland traffic! Wait, there was none of that anyway? Coincidence?

It was a city of many neighborhoods, each with a slightly different feel. Sometimes I felt Boston, sometimes Seattle, sometimes Napa. Oddly enough, never once felt LA.

The Portland Saturday Market. This was pretty cool, but also a disappointment. I was picturing a much more relaxed atmosphere but it was congested and kind of loud. I think it could be cool if I had nothing else to do that day, but as it were, we only had time to stroll it for 45 minutes or so.

Because donuts were a callin'! Voo Doo Donuts! I am seen here eating "The Butterfingered," with its Butterfinger shavings on top. We would return to Voo Doo on my last night in P-Town to take the Tex-ass challenge. The Tex-Ass is a donut the size of, you guessed it, Texas and/or a very large heiney(sp?). If you can finish it in 80 seconds or less, the donut comprised of six donuts' worth of dough is free! Upon serving us the Tex-Ass, the cashier also set down two cups of water in front of us and told us if we puked, we had to do it outside. Hey, this is not 'Nam, there are rules. Bill and I took one bite and knew we didn't have a chance. It was the most dense pastry I have ever encountered. Then the lady started talkin' shit. I quit on the Tex-Ass and ordered the donut I really wanted. She made me show her the money first. Do I look like a donut deadbeat to you?

BrewFest!!! What could be better than three buddies beer sampling?

Powell's City of Books. A city of books indeed. The place was yuge and really cool. I purchased this little beauty there, used, for $9.95 out the door. No sales tax!! Bill bought me "The Alchemist" and insisted I read it. I could have spent at least six hours in there. Legend has it that a Powell's devotee has his cremated remains entombed in that column there.

This is in The Pearl District, the new, upscale-ish area of P-Town. I loved all the areas for who they were, but I think The Pearl was my favorite. We went to a place called Henry's Tavern here a few times for beers and appetizers. Nice place, comparable to the Yard House, I would say. Great appetizers for 2 bucks during Happy Hour!!

What's any vacation without a little karaoke? This is my last song of the night, "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. I was pretty hammered at this point. Apparently, I was a good second or two behind throughout the whole song, except the chorus. But I left it all out there on the floor, damn it. I am told I spent the entire ride home arguing that I wasn't the least bit drunk. Fate would use the next day as its own personal bitchslap against me.

What's a guy to do with a vicious hangover in Portland? Wine tasting!

The view from atop the Portland City Grill.

On my last day, Bill had class in the morning so I touched down and hit the streets for some nice alone time with the city. This is yet another one of P-town's many parks.

Stumptown Coffee. Nickel Creek named a song after this coffee so, of course, my interest was piqued. It did not disappoint. The Stumptown House Blend is only the second coffee in my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed Black. I brought some back with me.

The Central Public Library, another east coast-y moment for me, except for the incredible weather.

Lots of beautiful old churches there.

The Edgefield. Not sure how to describe it because it's got so much there. Restaurants, bars, reception halls, etc. This is on the picturesque pitch-and-putt golf course they have, The Pub Course. Good times, and I don't even know how to golf. We were missin' ol' Conrad right about here.

So that's the picture tour of my pilgrimage. I took so many pictures that my memory card was overloaded and I had to edit some out. I wish I would have taken more pictures of the area around 23rd Ave., the home of the minor league Beavers--PGE Park, the Eastside and The Doug Fir, a really cool restaurant/lounge/venue where we saw a show (that sucked) on Monday night. It was a truly great trip. Bill and Sarah were hospitable, thoughtful, fantastic hosts (best eggs benedict I've ever had) and Bubbles and I shared a few laughs too. I think I was able to check off almost everything I wanted to see and do. Almost. I missed out on the brewpub movies, the First Thursday Art Walk. I'd love to go back in the winter to get a sense of The Perpetual Grey that from what I can tell is the only knock on this fine city, if you can even consider it a negative (I love grey).

So the big question is, of course, now having been there am I still as gung-ho about living there. Well, I'm in a lease until at least May of 2009. And Nicole is still far from excited about the prospect of moving out of LA yet still no closer to her family. Technically, it is 100 miles closer, but I digress. Portland turned out to be pretty much exactly what I had expected and hoped for. I couldn't quite get a strong sense of the people--there was a weirdness I had not anticipated--but it's hard to do that in three days anyway. I think for now the short answer is that definitely could live in Portland. If I actually will remains to be seen.

Who, me?

(this image brought to you by Conradical--he has the technology)

In case you missed it or did NOT set your Tivo, I am apparently now a major television star. Huge. That's me in HD, folks. Yeah, my phone should be ringing any minute now with an invite to some swanky party in the hills or on "The Hills."

Hmmm....Oddly, still quiet. I'll give it another five minutes...

Set Your Tivos!

Whoooooooo are you?

Look for my special ladyfriend and I in the front row on the left side of the stage (Stage Right).

Thank you, Thank you...

Really, I'm just honored to be nominated.

Countdown to P-Town

Three Days. Tres dias.

In the words of John McCain (including creepy old man voice), "My friends..." my time has come. This Friday night, I make my pilgrimmage to Portland. I must contain my excitement as if it were locked inside of a steel chest because if I allow even a sliver of light to shine upon it, I fear I will not sleep until I am amongst the Oregonians. I only hope three full days is enough time to do everything I have tabbed in my guidebooks, travel books, and magazines. I know one thing for sure, I will be eating and drinking like a king. I'm not going to say anything else for now...I just can't. Instead, I will take a deep breath, clear my camera's memory card, and channel all this angst into a massive, detailed, heartfelt post-trip entry WITH photos.

Lot of action these days, even besides my pilgrimmage. I mean there's the obvious, the event this weekend that could only be overshadowed by an out-of-town trip and still might not be fully eclipsed. Yeah, I'm talking about Batman. The fucking DARK KNIGHT. I am perhaps more pumped for this movie than I am any other I can recall. I will be at the 10:10 show Friday morning, virtual seatbelt securely fastened, mind as aptly prepared to be blown. I considered waiting to see it in Ptown, but then I thought, Do I really want to get on a plane and risk my dying before seeing "The Dark Knight?" I think not. Although, as Bill was correct to point out, what kind of heaven would it be if they weren't showing "The Dark Knight?" No heaven at all, I wouldn't think, but you never know...it might be too dark. I don't think I can risk it. Okay, that's enough talk about the possibility of a plane crash. I still get nervous every time I fly and like Billy Crystal says in "Forget Paris," "Never say famous last words because they could be."

Last night, Nicole suprised me with tickets to a Q&A with Will Ferrell. It was really entertaining and inspiring, I thought. In person, he seemed exactly like how I had imagined him, grounded and exceptionally nice. He told a story of how he used to have a day job pushing papers and was admittedly bad at it. He said he was pretty sure they only kept him around because he made everybody laugh. I have thought the same thing myself a couple of times. Not that I'm terribly bad at my job; I'm above adequate. But I'm pretty sure if I didn't get along so well with my coworkers and make them laugh as often, I might have been given my walking papers by now. It was the feeling that you are doing the wrong thing for a living that I related to. That's one of the unique things I can say I appreciate about this city, the proximity to celebrities. Now hold on, let me explain. Seeing actors, directors, whatever on TV, movies, CDs, having that one-way interaction with them and their work can make their profession seem like it's really on a pedestal, that it's something to be awed but as far as it being something attainable, it's in an alternate universe. However, if you see your professional heroes not on a billboard or an IMAX screen, but in your local grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, shopping like any average schmuck, it can make the dream of "making it" seem much more believable. Obviously, the big variable is talent, but why sweat that since it's not something you can really change. I'm not saying that because two people shop at the same Ralph's that their respective careers are interchangeable. Of course, that's ridiculous. But it does give the sense that people you idolize are still only people and that they are probably not all that dissimilar from you. If they can do it, maybe you can to. I'm just saying it makes me want to try harder.

Just had my first black & white cookie. A coworker just got back from NY and brought some for us. I'm not sure how I managed to miss them in my time there, but I gotta say, I don't feel like I missed out on much. The black side tastes like a diluted brownie and the whole thing sticks to the roof of your mouth like the ham sandwiches my grandma used to make me. I'll stick to canolis.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Ironic that on this particular selection should I for the first time encounter a disabled embed on You Tube. And since all the other homemade videos on youtube were laced with 9/11 visuals, I will have to go old school and just provide the link.

This song, for me, will always be synonymous with the LBFD Fireworks Show at Vets' Stadium. After hearing it every year with the fam, it's not the 4th of July to me anymore without Lee Greenwood.

God Bless The USA!

"Mooooon riveeeer"

Four words I was not expecting to hear when I woke up this morning:

1) Lift

2) Your

3) Scrotum.

Lift

Your

4) Penis.

Yeah.....So I had an appointment with the dermatologist and I thought he would just be looking at the freckles I was concerned about. I wasn't prepared for such a thorough inspection. Strangely enough, this was much easier than peeing at a urinal with no divider. Good thing I showered. "Thank you, Doc. Ever serve time?"

We've been doing a big music exchange at work recently. I think I've imported 2-3 gigs worth of new music, so much that it was a little overwhelming. It wasn't until this last batch though that I really found stuff that not only appreciated but really loved, stuff that was addictive, infectious.

The Format - I guess I'd call it indie pop/rock. Kind of like a less self-conscious, less "cool guy" Vampire Weekend...and I don't really like Vampire Weekend. Also could describe them as a more conventional, more singalong-friendly version of The Shins. Which is fine by me because as much as I like The Shins, that's my main complaint is that I have no fucking clue what any of their songs are about. I danced a jig to this music.

Nick Drake - No description or link necessary, I'm sure. I'm very late to the party, but at least I showed up.

Mason Jennings - I had heard of this guy, but hadn't heard him because I got him confused with Shooter Jennings whom I had heard and didn't care for. Not the same guy, as it turns out. Anyway, I would call Mason Jennings fun folk rock with more than your average amount of percussion. It's singer-songwriter stuff but with a foot-tapping twist away from the usual soul-baring sad songs.

I know it's already July, but I am declaring this (not only this) the music of the summer.

Speaking of music....you know how I know I'm gay (not really)? I listen to Coldplay. Yep. After years of being utterly unaffected by the band despite liking so many of their similar-sounding colleagues (Keane, Athlete, Travis), Viva La Vida finally flipped the switch for me. I'm not saying I'm a fan now or that I retroactively all of a sudden love their previous stuff, but, what can I say, I like this new album.

Wanna guess how much it cost me to fill up my car yesterday? Would you believe $75? Seven-five. I've been fretting over the cost of a bike but at this rate it will pay for itself in a few short tanks. Finding a local bike shop is on my list of things to do. I was also reading about how the bike path I will take runs right behind the Mar Vista Gardens housing projects and how a couple riders were accosted and seriously injured a couple years ago. I'd like to avoid that so, hopefully, I can steer clear of any hooligans by entering the path further southwest. I did read though that UCLA bought these projects for student housing so let's get some wimpy-ass Bruins in there in place of the gang that's there now, asap.

Sartorial situation...Is it wrong to wear red, white, and blue on the 4th of July? Would I be the subject of great snickering and snide whispers? I'm not talking about wearing some godawful country-western American flag-patterned shirt, just the colors. We wear green on St. Patty's Day, don't we?

General statment: no one tells me anything anymore. I really don't get it.

Some might say it's too early for this, but with the recent weather, I think the timing couldn't be better...

The Top 5 Things I Love About Getting A Haircut

5. Reading magazines you might never read otherwise whilst waiting to be called.

4. The first cool rush as you walk outside afterwards, your scalp suddenly more exposed to the elements.

3. When they fold my ear down and do the careful edging with the clippers behind the ears.

2. Three words: Clippers. On. Neck.

1. The guilty pleasure (Am I supposed to enjoy this? I didn't just moan, did I?) of the hair wash scalp massage. Unfortunately, I haven't indulged in this level of haircut in a while.