Bud Light

The Official Celebratory Beer of the 2007 AL West Champs.

Screw you, "Worldwide Leader"

I know I am stating the obvious here, but ESPN really is ridiculously slanted towards the Yankees and Red Sox, so much so that they might want to think about renaming the network The Yanks-Red Sox Network(YRSN). By now, this is common knowledge, but last night was a shining example of their favoritism. The Angels-Mariners game featured the team with the best record in baseball clinching at least a tie for their division title AND a benches clearing incident when the Mariners threw at All-Star slugger Vladimir Guerrero's head. If this had been Yanks-Sox with ARod, Jeter, or Clemens involved, this would have been the top story of Sportscenter. They would have rewound and replayed the footage more than the Zapruder film. Since it was only the Angels and Mariners, however, it was about the 8th story in and was covered with a distinctly ho-hum ambivalence. At the close of the show, the two anchors actually went so far as to say "It just feels like a different night in sports when the Red Sox and Yankees aren't playing." Gag me....Fuck. You. East Coast bullshit.

The Power Of The Pen!

Seven days ago on this very blog I called for some Fall weather since it was, ya know, Fall. What do we have this week? Sub 70-degree temperatures with rain on the way! Hooha! I am cold right now and loving every minute of it! Two sweaters and two jackets this week! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Thinking Out Loud

People complain about Los Angeles being "fake" and superficial. Surely you've heard this, if not said it yourself. I know I have at some point. But I would argue that LA is also the strongest example of a melting pot, transplant city meaning that a huge percentage of the population has moved here from somewhere else. I have no census data to back that up, but think about how many people you know or meet that are from another city or state versus those you know that are actually from here. So my point is that all these people from out of state bitch about LA being fake, but they're the ones that comprise this city more than the natives. Could it be that they carry in this pre-conceived notion of what it means to be an Angeleno when they move here and subconsciously perpetuate the stereotype themselves in their behavior and lifestyle? Makes sense to me. I think you have all these transplants moving in and in trying to blend in and do as the Romans do, they are the ones creating these characteristics of the city that they so love to criticize it for. Would this fakeness be there anyway, without them furthering it? I'm sure it would to some degree. I don't think it takes a sociologist to figure out that much of this subjective fakeness revolves around the entertainment industry, which is inherently fake in that it's almost by definition fiction. But still, it wouldn't be nearly as bad.

So what am I saying...I guess my ultimate point is, don't get on your soapbox and moan about LA being fake while taking a break from your job in reality television, sitting at The Grove in your designer jeans and sunglasses, sipping a mojito with your cell phone permanently attached to your head. It strikes at your credibility.

Rhetorical Question Wednesday

--Has Dave Matthews ever performed a concert he didn't release as a live CD?

--If Britney Spears farts and it's not reported as an international incident, does it still make a sound?

Submit your own!

Tuesday Morning Blabber

--Got myself a couple of pumpkin spice candles last night. We're in business, baby!

--Also purchased one helluva great cd. It's called "Emotionalism" by The Avett Brothers. It's a bluegrass/rock/country/punk tour de force, I tell you! One of the best albums I have heard this year. Hmmm.....I think I might get working on a Best of 2007 post for the holidays.

--Raise your hand if you think I should grow my mustache back.

--Have you heard about this AFI 40th Anniversary event at The Arclight? They're screening eleven classic movies, all at the same time (different screens) with each film being introduced by one of the actors/director. "The Shawshank Redemption" introduced by Morgan Freeman! "Star Wars" introduced by George Lucas! "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" by Jack Friggin' Nicholson! And--wait for it......................Billy Crystal and Rob Reiner introducing "When Harry Met Sally!" SIGN. ME. UP. It's incredible once-in-a-lifetime events like this (and USC football/Angels baseball) that make it tough to imagine actually moving out of Souther California, despite everything else compelling me to go.

Things I am craving:

McDonald's Two Cheeseburger Meal with Hi-C Orange
Rain
Pumpkin Pie
A long drive on an open road, preferably through some autumn foliage
A day to do nothing
Mulled wine
Sweats
Disneyland

Annual Where-Is-The-Fall-Weather Post!

You know how they say that living in Seattle or London or anyplace where it's cloudy and grey more often than it's sunny supposedly has a depressing effect on the people that live there? I'm not saying it's true, but you've heard people say that before, right? Okay then.

My contention is that living in constant, mercilessly sunny southern California can have the same effect, especially this time of year. It's fucking Fall, folks. Where's the football weather? Where's the wind? How 'bout some rain? Would a cloud be too much to ask for? C'mon, give me three days of sub-80 highs, for the love of Pete. When you're still wearing shorts and a t-shirt on Christmas Day, I'm saying it can be just as disheartening as a dreary day in foggy Londontown.

But I shall not be deterred by this fascist temperate meteorological regime. No sir, it's autumn, dammit and I intend to live as such! Last night, I turned off my A/C, had a delicious meal of butternut squash soup, herb roasted chicken, and spinach. My apartment smelled like Thanksgiving morning and I achieved this without even the aid of a Yankee Candle!! I am closing in on an historic cardigan purchase. Bout to bust out the cords, sucka. Whatchoo know about that, whatchoo know about that? Autumn or bust!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I came home last night to a kitchen overrun by flies. There had to be twenty of them. I had no fly swatter because where do you buy one of those things these days? I went to war armed only with my hunter's spirit and a rolled-up fantasy football guidebook. It was difficult because I could only take my shots when they landed and many of them were too cunning to do so. They swirled around me like a swarm of WWI flying aces. I could hear their little engines whining. I think I saw Snoopy on board one of them. I was outnumbered, but I remained steadfast in my resolve. You know how I beat 'em? One. By. One.

Wooooooooooo!

WE'RE ON OUR WAY, PEOPLE!!!

We're almost there! Keep up the good work!!

BUY KANYE! RETIRE FIT-TY!

An Important Day

Aside from the obvious which needn't even be mentioned, today is a day of great opportunity and defining choice. You know what I'm talking about. Kanye vs. 50. The Showdown. Both albums "drop" today, folks. The line has been drawn. On whose side do you stand?

Normally, I wouldn't give a crap. I have the first two Kanye albums but I didn't pay for either of them(Thanks, Conrad). However, given Curtis Jackson's statement that he'll retire if Kanye out-sells him, I might be cashing in my Best Buy gift card to put 'ol 50-Cent out of commission. Kind of a dumb thing to say when you think about it, his proclamation. It's only served to mobilize me against him, hoping to make him stick to his guns...no pun intended.

BUY KANYE! RETIRE FIFTY! (say it with me) BUY KANYE! RETIRE FIFTY!

A Case of The Perpetual Mondays

My grandfather was a firefighter in the Long Beach Fire Department for, I'm guessing, at least twenty years. On weekends, he had a side business installing and repairing doors.

I've never actually asked him, but I would be willing to bet his motivation for working these jobs was not his love of fire and risking his life for strangers nor was it a fascination with hinges and functional rectangles made of wood. I'm pretty sure it was because he had a wife and five kids to take care of and he needed the money. And you know, that was just fine.

How did our generation ever get so hypnotized by the romantic fantasy of "loving your job?" The phenomenon is not a myth, of course. There will always be a charmed minority who whistle while they work and can't truly ever understand what it's like for the rest of us. But when did that experience become the idealized standard for the American working man? Did we all just watch too many movies growing up? Is that what ingrained this notion that our jobs not just could be, but should be about anything more than bringing home the bacon? It is a debilitating, heartbreaking, enslaving concept.

Sorry, I shouldn't act like I speak for anyone but myself. I'm thinking I might be on the verge of a pre-midlife crisis. I feel like if I don't make a change in the very near future, I might literally go crazy.

Does anybody remember the movie, "Joe Versus The Volcano?" It was not a great movie, but the opening sequence portraying the title character (Joe, not The Volcano) entering his job like a mindless cog in a human assembly line. It reminds me of Fritz Lang's "Metropolis," which is odd since I barely remember seeing that movie. Anyway, that opening scene in "Joe" really represents the sinking, doomed, damned feeling I get every night before I have to go to work and every morning that I have to walk in there. And you think I am being overly dramatic.

Every night is like the last night of summer, knowing that tomorrow another dreaded school year begins. I'm talking about elementary school when there wasn't socializing to look forward to, only teasing and lunch in the cafeteria. Anyway, it's like that only I don't have the comfort of a fixed and definite term that I know I just have to get through. Like Melvin Udall says, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

The scariest part of the whole thing, to me, is that I know I have felt this exact way before. It seems like the tension is building to some sort of climax now, but I am fairly certain I could comb the archives of this very blog and find an entry quite similar to this one where I whine about the same thing, probably even using the same references. So while a friend would say, "Hang in there, it's only temporary," I would have to reply, Okay, but that doesn't mean I'll ever get past it, just that I might forget about it for a little while before coming right back to where I started.

I was talking with my boss recently about how she always thought she would be doing something more creative, how she's not really interested in accounting, how she used to be a writer. I, of course, thought it sounded strangely familiar. I asked her "How do you do it then? Why do you go through it all if you're not interested?" She said, "Well, I have a house and I have a car that I paid for in cash..."

Maybe she's right. I just wish I could feel that way too. No, I don't. Fuck.

So where was I?

Congratulations, Mr. Frodo!! Your leg is finally your own!! That's right folks, over the course of the last two checks, I have finally paid off my friggin' credit card! Sweet relief!

So I have not "blogged" in quite some time...To my knowledge, only one person had noticed, but still, it's like visiting with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. Feels like there is much to catch up on...which is kind of a sick thing when you think about it....having to catch up with a keyboard and an infinite space (the internet) that doesn't talk back. And yet.

There are two reasons for my lapse in regular blogging (why do all new words seem to be the product of pop culture and/or technology?): 1) the new job has really picked up in the busyness department and I have truly not had the spare time at work to get anything in and 2) I have been working feverishly on my screenplay.

I am proud to announce that as of Monday evenin' I am officially.......DONE!! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!!! COMPLETE!! As pretentious film students usually say, FIN!!!! Obviously, I realize that finishing a rough first draft is far from actually being done per se and that I have a long stretch of revising ahead of me, but still, at this particular moment in time and probably for the rest of the week, I am really just happy and proud to have accomplished something. I'll worry about whether it's worth a shit later.

To those of my friends whom I have sent copies for review, please, do not hesitate to burst my bubble of satisfaction. A couple of days is all I need before I am ready to face facts. For someone so sensitive about most everything else, I feel like I can honestly say that I welcome your criticism, even if it is so harsh as to say "Dude, you really spent the last six months of your life on this? Really?" I take no shame in sucking so long as I understand why I suck.

While we're on the subject of movies....I think I have said it to literally every person I have talked to in the past two months, but I will say it once (more) and for all...."Live Free Or Die Hard" is the best movie of the summer. Fuck "Transformers," screw "Bourne Ultimatum," and I am a huge fan of that franchise, "Die Hard 4" was the most satisfying movie I have seen this blockbuster season.

Does anyone listen to hip hop/rap anymore? By "anyone," I mean people I know. I know Joe does, but he actually likes that horseshit they peddle out and try to pass off as rap music nowadays. Anywho, if anyone does still have any inkling for rap/hip-hop, "Atlantis Hymns For Disco" by K-OS (Chaos) is one of the best albums I have heard in a while. Meaningful lyrics AND catchy beats?! Who knew you could do that without referencing bitches, fucking, fucking bitches, bling, bitches and bling, or just straight up murder?!

I can't stop listening to Wilco's latest, "Sky Blue Sky." Just smashing, I tell ya.

Lima beans are really an underrated and under-used vegetable. Seriously, what did they ever do to get blacklisted from the American consciousness? All they've ever done is be delicious and good for us! I blame Punky Brewster for creating this propaganda machine, this Cold War against lima beans. Clearly, the most powerful woman to ever wear mismatched socks and get a breast reduction.

This week marks the start of not one, but two new softball seasons for me. I got a Thursday night Burbank Mens' league and the Saturday Primetime League. I'm like Conrad, minus the skills and the national championship on my resume. Heyohhhhhh!

So you know Seth from karaoke, the guy that sings very well, but is waaaaay too full of himself and has been singing the same song for as long as I've been going.....So he usually does this song with the legendary karaoke DJ, Frankie Dee. Well last time we went, Frankie was under the weather and unable to sing. So what did Seth say to this when Frankie broke the bad news to him? "Ah screw it, I'll do it anyway." Gotta give the people what they want, right Rock Star? Know what he said when he got up there? "This song's only going to be half as good tonight because we can't have Frankie Dee on those sweet harmonies." And the motherfucker was serious. Of course, it goes without saying that he tossed out his signature line that will be the crux of my insanity defense when I impale him with a microphone someday....Oh yeah, "Sing along if you know it." Ya know, I would hate Seth a lot more if I didn't feel so sorry for the guy.

Whatever gets you through the day

I have decided that for the rest of the day this Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard will be my only mode of communication. Call me if you don't believe me.

Seven Fifty Whatever

So Bonds finally did it. Whoopadeedoo! The legitimacy of his record in regards to his suspected steroid use is debateable. I just think he's a fuckin' asshole. I dislike him because of his reputation as a bad teammate and his lack of sportsmanship on the field. Let's compare Bonds reaction to hitting HRs 755 and 756 to Hank Aaron's behavior after his record HR.

Aaron (runs out of the box)

Bonds 755 (stands there in awe of himself)

Bonds 756 (stands in awe, raises arms to the sky--it was a go-ahead HR by the way, not that he cared)

The Latest Thing To Bug The Shit Out Of Me

When people overly and inappropriately use the word "actually." Listen for it. People do it all the time.

Example:

"Howard, where do you live?"

"Me? I actually live in Los Angeles."

Why "actually?" Did I imply that you lived elsewhere? It's a verbal crutch right up there with "uh" and "um!"

Back

It's been so long, I feel my blogging will be rather rusty, as if there is some sort of skill involved in essentially thinking out loud.

--Is there a greater crime in this life than failing to secure the lid on a bin of Red Vines? I think not.

--Remember the movie "Encino Man?" I haven't seen it in years but does anybody else feel like the Encino depicted in that movie was totally unrealistic? Didn't they make it look a lot more similar to someplace like Agoura Hills or Mission Viejo rather than the happenin' city on Ventura Blvd. that I now know Encino to be? I might have to revisit this movie to see what's going on here.

--If there is one benefit of going from having my own office to sharing one with two other people, it's that this new environment makes it very difficult for me to pick my nose during the day, which, admittedly, had become a chronic problem.

--I barely left the house this weekend. It was great. Ahh, the pleasures of hermitage.

--If you've been following the Michael Vick story, you've probably scene the periferal story about the throngs that have been gathering outside the courthouse. This morning I was watching the news and they showed hords of people wearing Vick jerseys, holding up signs that say "We love Michael Vick" and things to that effect. I understand standing up for due process, but I really don't get blind support for a man accused of something so heinous. If you're preaching "innocent until proven guilty," hey, I'm right there with you, but if you're supporting the actual defendant himself, I just don't get it. How stupid are you going to feel if he's found guilty? What compels you to spend your time blindly supporting someone you don't know and have no reason to believe is innocent?

Well that's all I've got for now. I've gotta ease back into this. Please, be patient with me.

Quote of the Day

"I think you underestimate your upper register."

--Zach L.

WELCOME HOME, D-FISH!

Nice to have my favorite player back on my favorite team.

Seperated at Birth? MLB All-Star Edition!

San Diego Padres pitcher Chris R. Young and.....

James Taylor

Padres pitcher Jake Peavy and....

Actor Ricky Schroeder

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Ben Sheets

Aaaaaand.....

Living Legend, Will Ferrell.

Dear Seth and Laura From Karaoke Night,

It's time to pick a new fucking song. Really really really time. Laura, you own "Black Velvet." Alannah Myles, eat your heart out because the song is now Laura's. You're a goddess of song when you rock this thing! Seth, Bon Jovi wishes he could sing "I'll Be There For You" half as well as you do, all five minutes and forty-six seconds of it. Man, you truly dominate it. Seth and Laura, I don't know what your day jobs are, but you're both professional songbirds in my mind.

There, have I stroked your egos enough? Are you now satisfied that you've proven to everyone in the bar that you can sing? Can we all finally move on now? I mean, let me drop the sarcasm for a second--you guys really are good singers....BUT SING SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! It's been over a year!

I think I speak sincerely for everyone,

John

Friends, please don't think I'm being rash. As a karaoke connoisseur, I think there is something to be said for someone who sings the same song every week. It's someone making a statement about who they are, what they stand for (I am Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks," Karaoke DJ Frankie Dee IS "Don't Stop Believin"). It can become a fun staple of the show. That only works though if the singer isn't completely full of themself. It's a fine, but very boldly defined line. Seth and Laura are standing nowhere near it. They are tipping the scales on the side of obnoxious to be frank. It's easy to see this is not lighthearted sing-song fun to them. It drips in vibrant color like fresh graffitti--they think of themselves as stars giving their adoring fans what they want to hear. There is a line from a John Mayer song that sums it up nicely: "She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin' and poses for pictures that aren't being taken." Seth goes so far as to say before his song starts, "Sing along if you know it." "If I know it," Seth?! You've been singing it every g_damn week for 75 weeks! How could I possibly NOT know it?

The good news is that whenever they show up, it makes for a great time to go to the bathroom or to the bar for a refill. I hope they recognize my absence as a symbol of silent protest. Then again if they had the consideration to notice that, we'd never have ended up in this predicament in the first place.

HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY?!

I was going to do the obligatory "It Really Sucks To Have To Work Today" post, but then I read this story.

It's just baffling to me. I mean, I'm hip to cultural differences and all, but not ones that make no sense on a basic humanity level. I realize that the U.S. is far from perfect and that the rest of the civilized world may look at certain aspects of our American culture and shake their collective heads in disbelief...but I'm going to file this story under "rebuttal: at least we're not fucked up enough to do this."

P.S. It really really sucks to have to work today. But our latest Office Max order came in which is legitimately exciting to me.